I’m feeling lost again. I don’t know if it’s because that week that I was physiologically messed up and it’s taking awhile to level out, if it’s because of the odd schedule of summer or if it’s just a certain point in this upheaval of my life this past year. I just don’t know where to go from here, what to do to grow and change. Yes, I know that I am slowly doing those things just by being where I am and doing what I am doing, but it all seems at a prolonged stand-still. And it hurts. So much. I think I’ve pretty much decided to go back to my weekly meetings. I think they helped, but I don’t think that I’ve worked all of the way through what I need to work through. I think my healing was somewhat a victim of someone else’s path. So, I guess it’s a positive thing that I am taking it upon myself to go back, on my terms, not on someone else’s. So there is that…
The methods I have been using to keep my mind focused lately are knitting, reading on the internet and watching too much T.V. Purposeful T.V., for what it’s worth, since the internet is my television. Funny side note – we have lived here since January and didn’t figure it out until we moved into this larger space that we actually have cable. For some odd reason I hooked up the cable to the television when I set it up and voila, dozens of channels of almost-nothing. Crazy.
My summer class is going okay, I guess. I still lack study skills, something I really need to work on. But I’m learning, and passing, the former being the important thing and the latter being quite useful in the scheme of things. Work is, meh, work. I need to become more disciplined in that area, too, since the state of my finances may dictate that I keep on working even once school starts. That in addition to the supposed 15 hour a week job on the newspaper. Oh, and the full load of classes. And my home life – my children pretty much.
I need to set some goals and work on them every day. I need to have a ‘New Years’ of sorts and wipe the slate clean and get a fresh start again. My health, my finances and my personal life are the top 3. Secondary items would by organization, cooking more and doing something to “give back”. Most of my adult life I have considered the raising of the incredible individuals that play the real life part of my children as my main way of giving back. But I think I can incorporate the two together and have an even greater outcome.
So, I think that now I’ve gotten some thoughts typed out here, I will sleep and think on them a bit, and then come back and get more detailed about it all. Good Night.