The “D” word.
The “D” word.
My life is hard to explain right now, so I’m not sure I’m even going to try.Â
Summer semester ended Friday. Astronomy was awesome. Fall semester starts in 2 weeks. My Japanese major leaves for Japan in 3 weeks – for 10 months. ‘He’ applied for a job 2 states away. My Engineer is apartment hunting – determined to find a place that will let him have the cats. My Writer is away visiting her friend for a long weekend, but will be back tomorrow and moves into her new dorm next week. The 2 younger ones are trudging along with me.
That is all for now.
I’m feeling lost again.Â I don’t know if it’s because that week that I was physiologically messed up and it’s taking awhile to level out,Â if it’s because of the odd schedule of summer or if it’s just a certain point in this upheaval of my life this past year.Â I just don’t know where to go from here, what to do to grow and change.Â Yes, I know that I am slowly doing those things just by being where I am and doing what I am doing, but it all seems at a prolonged stand-still.Â And it hurts.Â So much.Â I think I’ve pretty much decided to go back to my weekly meetings.Â I think they helped, but I don’t think that I’ve worked all of the way through what I need to work through.Â I think my healing was somewhat a victim of someone else’s path.Â So, I guess it’s a positive thing that I am taking it upon myself to go back, on my terms, not on someone else’s.Â So there is that…
The methods I have been using to keep my mind focused lately are knitting, reading on the internet and watching too much T.V.Â Purposeful T.V., for what it’s worth, since the internet is my television.Â Funny side note – we have lived here since January and didn’t figure it out until we moved into this larger space that we actually have cable.Â For some odd reason I hooked up the cable to the television when I set it up and voila, dozens of channels of almost-nothing.Â Crazy.Â
My summer class is going okay, I guess.Â I still lack study skills, something I really need to work on.Â But I’m learning, and passing, the former being the important thing and the latter being quite useful in the scheme of things.Â Work is, meh, work.Â I need to become more disciplined in that area, too, since the state of my finances may dictate that I keep on working even once school starts.Â That in addition to the supposed 15 hour a week job on the newspaper.Â Oh, and the full load of classes.Â And my home life – my children pretty much.
I need to set some goals and work on them every day.Â I need to have a ‘New Years’ of sorts and wipe the slate clean and get a fresh start again.Â My health, my finances and my personal life are the top 3.Â Secondary items would by organization, cooking more and doing something to “give back”.Â Most of my adult life I have considered the raising of the incredible individuals that play the real life part of my children as my main way of giving back.Â But I think I can incorporate the two together and have an even greater outcome.
So, I think that now I’ve gotten some thoughts typed out here, I will sleep and think on them a bit, and then come back and get more detailed about it all.Â Good Night.
We moved yesterday.Â Again.Â This time it was only a hundred yards or so, in order to gain another couple of hundred square feet.Â And another bedroom.Â And more space.Â It was crazy, but definitely worth it.Â And we did the majority of the move in a matter of 4-5 hours.Â My children are truly amazing.Â It was just them and me.Â Now we are surrounded by unpacked boxes, out of place furniture and quite a mess.Â And we still have to go and clean the old place out.Â But it was another move forward, and that is the goal – to always move forward.
In observing those around me and their relationships something came to me earlier today.Â I wanted to tell someone to not forget to live live for themselves, and not just other people.Â I know that there is much to be gained from giving to others, sharing with others and putting others first.Â But I’m realizing that you can’t always just live for others.Â There is much to be gained in a life in which you watch, help, teach and take part in other people’s lives.Â Especially those you truly love.Â But you can’t lose yourself in that – you still have to live for yourself, too.Â It’s one thing to realize this, and yet another to live it.Â And in this discovery it is very important to me to keep perspective, to not go overboard or to any extreme.Â Very important.Â
So for now I want to keep focused on the happy things, the little and the big, and the things that keep us growing and moving forward.Â Things like moving your plants in the basket of your bicycle andÂ how bizarre but at the same time beautiful that can look.
Where have I been in the past almost-a-year? All over the place emotionally/mentally and around the world, physically.
I just returned from a trip to the amazing country of China! I have around 6,000 photos to go through from the trip.
School is going well, my new job as a photography editor is going well, my children are doing well, and it’s summer break. So again, I’m working, but trying to relax a bit, too, in between and after. I’m looking forward to the gym opening up again in a few days (they’ve been redoing the floors, how dare they!) and getting on with my biggest summer goal: getting into shape! There, now I’ve put it out there, I need to follow through. Keep me accountable! Ask how it’s going!
My heart is still broken, it may never be repaired fully, but I move forward. Letting go seems impossible, but may be what has to be done, at least for a little while. Meanwhile, I’m off to distract myself from the pain – doing some dusting off of things around the blog here, knitting, exercising and FINALLY getting around to watching the 3rd season of Downton Abbey!
Wow – I picked up my ID card today at the University. I should be so excited. A big part of me WANTS to be so excited. Why can’t I be excited?
Meanwhile, the daily-multi-sobs have subsided, but it’s still pretty sad inside of here. I guess that’s to be expected?! There are no observed changes on the situation at this point. I haven’t given up all hope – but I think I need to focus some energy in positive directions to prepare myself to deal with things – if the need should arise.
And this is my time between semesters. The summer semester ended a little over a week ago – I should be relaxing and enjoying myself. No. I’m working my arse off. Oh well, I guess that part of the whole point – work hard now – so things won’t stay this tough forever. Delayed gratification and all that – it can be tough during the process.
Just tell me it’s all going to be worth it!
I’ve been going through one of the lowest times in my life. But I am determined to make it through. It is a time when I should be excited, moving forward and fulfilling a dream. So, I took a little sideway – but I’m working hard at getting back on track. Yesterday was the first day without tears in over 2 months – that is something to celebrate! Well, quietly amongst myself, anyhow.
I’m throwing myself into work, summer semester online classes, and my children. That helps.
I’ve also, just to make things more complicated, or to distract myself, or to keep with the ‘moving forward’ agenda, started a new nutritional approach. I’ve just begun, today is day 10. I think I like it enough I’m actually going to order the book and really do it right. Funny, I know. I was sort of test driving it first, I guess. It comes highly recommended from an online friend who has had great success with it. Her and I are quite a bit alike, so it sounded good to me. I’d heard about it here and there for a year or more anyhow. So I’ll report back if I have success to share – soon.
And for now, back to work …
My entire world has been turned upside down…